


IN WHICH A COMPLETE NAÏVE IDIOT AND A TWISTED PSYCHO FALL IN PURE AND TRUE LOVE AND HAVE A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP

by LadySage



Series: Floorstuck [2]
Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: F/M, Floorstuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-05
Updated: 2011-09-15
Packaged: 2017-10-23 03:49:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/245990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadySage/pseuds/LadySage
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Vriska has alienated nearly every other resident of Hussie Hall - the sole exception is the eternally kind-hearted John.  Despite John's protestations that they're just friends, some suspect that there is something more bubbling under the surface.  When Karkat decides to pull John aside for a heart-to-heart, he fucks things up as usual and sets a series of events in motion leading to the worst night of his life, while John goes to watch a movie with Vriska.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. “And what do you mean, ‘thinking with my reproductive system’?”

**Author's Note:**

> Floorstuck is a Homestuck AU taking place in a college dorm, created by me and the amazing and talented fanartist Marghy. It was originally intended to be illustrated and posted on tumblr with some degree of continuity, but real life got in the way for her, so now I write whatever I feel like and post it on AO3. Hopefully sometime in the future she'll have time to take part again!

“WHAT…THE FUCK…ARE YOU THINKING?”

Once upon a time, the strident shouting and angry red glare may have intimidated John.  He might have quailed or shrunk away.  By now?  It was almost as comforting to him as the sound of a lullaby.

“Wow, Karkat, you should really calm down!  What are you talking about?”

“YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT, JOHN.  YOU’RE ALREADY STUPID ENOUGH, PRETENDING TO BE EVEN MORE BRAIN-DEAD JUST DESTROYS ALL YOUR CREDIBILITY.  BUT THEN AGAIN, YOU ARE ENOUGH OF A FUCKING IDIOT TO TRUST THE HUGE BITCH, SO MAYBE I UNDERESTIMATED YOU.”

“Oh, you mean Vriska?”

“WHILE I REALIZE THE DESCRIPTOR ‘HUGE BITCH’ MAY BE VAGUE ENOUGH TO CONFUSE YOUR TINY HUMAN THINK PAN, I THINK CONTEXT HERE MAKES THINGS ABUNDANTLY CLEAR.  YES, I MEAN VRISKA.”

“Vriska’s cool!  She really does want to be nice, everyone’s just too hard on her.”

“’TOO HARD ON HER’?  _‘TOO HARD ON HER’_?  ARE YOU SUFFERING FROM SOME SORT OF AMNESIA BROUGHT ON BY THINKING WITH YOUR BIZARRE HUMAN REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM?  HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN EVERYTHING SHE DID!”

“She’s really sorry about all that.  Just nobody will talk to her long enough for her to apologize.” A pause.  “And what do you mean, ‘thinking with my reproductive system’?”

“WOW, DON’T TELL ME YOU’RE THE ONLY ONE YOU’RE FOOLING.  EVERYONE CAN SEE THE INEVITABLE CONCLUSION EXCEPT, APPARENTLY, YOU.”

“Wait, are you trying to say that Vriska and I are going to…you know…”

“AND THE RUSTY BRAIN COGS BEGIN TO TURN!  IT’S SO NAUSEATINGLY OBVIOUS THAT YOU TWO ARE HEADED TOWARD THE FLUSHED QUADRANT THAT EVERYONE FLEES THE ROOM WHEN YOU’RE TOGETHER TO KEEP FROM VOMITING UP THEIR BARELY-EDIBLE DINING HALL SLOP.”

“Really, everyone thinks that?  I think everyone is getting…”

“IF YOU SAY ‘GETTING THE WRONG IDEA,’ I AM GOING TO SOMEHOW DISCOVER LATENT PSYCHIC POWERS AND BLOW UP THIS WHOLE FUCKING BUILDING.  THE ONLY WRONG IDEA IS BEING WITH VRISKA AND YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WITH IT.”

Dating Vriska?  This was the first time John had really thought of it.  The idea echoed and bounced around in his head.  He’d barely had any crushes before, let alone a girlfriend…but he did really like spending time with Vriska…and she was pretty…  Now that he thought of it, it sounded kind of nice, but she probably didn’t feel the same way.  It was only after it had settled down that he said, “So what do you think will happen between us?”

“YOU GET INVOLVED WITH HER THINKING YOU CAN SAVE HER WITH THAT ‘POWER OF LOVE’ BULLSHIT HUMANS ALWAYS PRATTLE ON ABOUT.  SHE CATCHES YOU IN HER WEB WITH SLOPPY ALIEN MAKEOUTS, YOU GET TANGLED UP IN HER MANIPULATIVE PSYCHO BULLSHIT, AND YOU END UP AS BAD OFF AS EVERYONE ELSE WHO SHE’S EVER TOUCHED, OR WORSE.  THUS ENDS THE STORY OF JOHN EGBERT, THE BOY TOO STUPID TO LIVE.”

“You know, Karkat, you’d think with all those romance movies you watch, you’d be a little more understanding…”

“THOSE ARE DIFFERENT.”

“How?”

“FOR ONE, NONE OF THEIR TITLES START WITH ‘IN WHICH A COMPLETE NAÏVE IDIOT AND A TWISTED PSYCHO FALL IN PURE AND TRUE LOVE AND HAVE A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP’ BECAUSE SUSPENSION OF DISBELIEF ONLY GOES SO FAR.  FOR ANOTHER…”

“Jegus Karkat, you can stop now!”

“NO I CAN’T.  I CAN’T STOP UNTIL YOU SEE THAT I’M RIGHT, AND I CAN BELIEVE YOU’RE NOT GOING TO THROW EVERYTHING AWAY FOR THAT…”

“Stop!”

John rarely concerned himself with Karkat’s continuous stream of insults.  After all, he treated everyone this way and they were all used to it by now.  But this time, he had the sick feeling that Karkat really did mean it this time.  He was tired of how everyone was treating Vriska, how they seemed to think they knew better than him, and how they believed he was being tricked by her.

It took a lot to upset him, and even more for him to drop his smiling face, but he had reached that point.

“Stop it!  I know you think you know everything because you’re taking Sociology 101 and watch a lot of movies and for some reason people come to you about advice a lot, but there’s a lot you don’t understand!  About humans, and about love!  And anyway, Vriska and I aren’t…I mean she doesn’t even…I don’t know if…”  His face was getting hot.  What point was he trying to make again?  Everything was getting tangled up in his head.

“SPIT IT OUT, EGBERT.”  Karkat was baring his teeth now, snarling like a wild beast.  Flecks of red-tinted spittle gathered at the corners of his mouth and stained his savagely pointed teeth.  “IF WHAT?  IF SHE WANTS TO PLAY CONCEAL THE MEAT CYLINDER?”

He couldn’t take this. “That’s not the point!   Anyway, I don’t think I should take relationship advice from a guy who won’t even tell everyone that he’s dating!”

“THAT’S DIFFERENT.  YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT…”

“I know you’re being total dumpass and a wriggler who doesn’t know anything!”  He couldn’t take this anymore.  Without looking, he pulled a random Nic Cage movie off his DVD rack and stomped toward the door.

“WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING, EGBERT?”

“Guess!”

“JOHN, IF YOU DON’T STOP, I SWEAR TO GOG I AM GOING TO HAVE YOUR BRAIN REMOVED AND DONATE IT TO…”

John didn’t hear the end of his threat.  He was already out the door and storming down the hall, DVD case in hand.  He didn’t even pause at the sound of laughter coming from the common room or stop to pull Dave out from a pile of smuppets.  He marched straight until he reached his goal, and knocked on the door.

“Come in,” called a voice from inside.

 

 ~~  
~~

How dare he?   How dare he say that he didn’t know anything?  Fucking humans were too trusting.

The whole thing had left him feeling pissed off, frustrated, and vaguely horny.

Actually, it had been really hard not to try to make out with John right then and there.

He needed to find a fucking kismesis already.

Either way, sitting to stew in his own feelings wouldn’t do a bit of good.  He needed someone who would listen to him and hopefully agree about what an enormous idiot John was being.


	2. You’re acting even spazzier than usual

John pushed the door open to find Vriska standing with her back to him, facing Mindfang’s tank.  She turned at the sound of the door creaking, flipping her hair over her shoulder, and smiled to find him standing there.  The late evening sun filtered through the window, giving everything a golden cast and glinting off her shining white fangs.

What Karkat had said about their relationship surfaced in John’s brain and filled him with nervousness.  He shook his head, trying to banish the idea.  _She’s just a friend who needs me.  That’s enough.  That’s what’s important_.

“Why are you shaking your head, John?  Did you finally decide it’s not worth being involved with a beautiful yet troubled bombshell like me?”

“I…ah…uh…”  _Just a friend!_   “Of course not, Vriska!”  He gave a chuckle that he hoped didn’t sound forced.  “So what’s up?”  He crossed the room, carefully picking his way across dice, broken eight balls, and scalemates, and sat down on her bed, but leapt back up when he remembered what people do in beds.

“John!  What’s gotten into you today?  You’re acting even spazzier than usual!”  She sat backwards in her chair, arms crossed over the backrests.

“You think so?  Hahaha…”  He swallowed hard and sat back down.

They talked for a while.  Not about anything important – classes, clubs, job.  Everyday life sort of stuff.  Bit by bit, John was able to relax again.  After all, she was the same old Vriska, same old friendship.  Nothing had changed.  There was nothing to be nervous about.

After a time, the conversation lapsed into comfortable silence.  John studied out of Vriska’s textbook; Vriska read game manuals.  When she grew bored of that, she produced a bag of crickets and poured them into Mindfang’s tank.

The two of them watched the large spider slowly sneak up behind the crickets and capture them with her mandibles, sucking out their innards before they could realize what hit them, one after another.  The first time he had seen it, John had felt slightly sick and pitied the crickets.  Now, he was amazed at the arachnid’s stealth and grace.

“I had a fight with Karkat,” he blurted out.

She snorted.  “That’s only surprising because of how long it took!  I’m guessing it was about something trivial and boring.”

“It was about you.”

This startled her.  She looked askance at him.

“He was just saying such awful , unfair things about you and calling you names and saying that you were…we were…” He faltered.  He didn’t really need to bring up that part, did he?  “Anyway, I just don’t like it when people say mean things about my friends.  Sorry.”

 To his surprise, Vriska laughed.  It was not a cynical or mocking laugh, but one of real joy.  It was an unusual sound, coming from her.

“John, that makes me soooooooo happy!  Don’t be sorry!”  She hugged him, pinning his arms to his side.

“I…uh…what?”

“You defending me!  Nobody’s ever done that for me before.  Can I expect any rooftop battles for my honor anytime soon?”

“I hope not, I’m pretty sure Karkat is stronger than me…”

“That doesn’t matter!  What matters is that you believe your cause is just.  So, you’d have nothing to worry about, riiiiiiiight?”  She cast a sidelong glance up at him, smirking slightly.

“Of course!  Or I could throw him off with my masterful pranks and win that way as the crowd laughs at him!” John chuckled at the mental image.

“Whatever works.”

John eased his arms out of her embrace so he could hug her back.  They stayed that way for a moment, until he remembered something.

“Oh, right!”  He released her, and picked up the DVD that he had set down on the bed.  “I thought we could watch a movie.  Have you seen, uh,” he glanced down at the case, “ _Wicker Man_?”

Her eyes lit up.  “I don’t think I’ve seen that one!  Does it have Nicholas Cage in a grubby wifebeater?”

“No, but it has Nicolas Cage in a suit, and a white shirt, and even a bear costume at one point.”

“Hmmmmmmmm…”  She contemplated the image for a moment.  “Yeah, I think that’ll be good.  But my grubputer doesn’t play DVDs, so we can’t watch it in here.  We’ll have to watch it in your room.”

“I don’t think Karkat would really be okay with that…”

She rolled her eyes.  “So what?  It’s your room too!  Don’t let Karkat scare you, that little yapping dog is all bark and no bite.”  She placed her hands against John’s back and shoved him toward the door.

 

 

Karkat stomped back towards Hussie Hall, still scowling.  He had found Terezi in the Gaming Society’s office, painting miniatures shockingly lurid colors.  After some particularly sloppy makeouts – with the door securely locked, of course – he ranted at her for a while.  Eventually she got tired of listening, and when he refused to stop, tried to kick him out.  When he refused to leave, she started throwing dice at him until he fled.

He rubbed the spot on his forehead where the D100 had hit him.  A small lump was already starting to form.  How did she not see what an emergency this was?  Clearly her sense of responsibility as floor president was lacking.

Come to think of it, that suggestion was what seemed to have provoked the dice-throwing.

He had to admit, for a blind girl, she had damn good aim.

He ran through a mental list of floor members as he stamped up the stairs, trying to figure out who he could go to.

Equius might care about a highblood dating a human, but he didn’t want to talk to such an insufferable asshole.

Nepeta would care about the two getting together, but she probably wouldn’t agree how horrible it was and just start doodling for her shipping chart.

Of course!  The answer was obvious.  Kanaya would see how unbelievably stupid this was, and how imperative it was that they put a stop to it.


	3. Eight gleaming black pupils, surrounded by blue in a field of gold

John nervously knocked on his own door, afraid of what may be lurking inside.  There was no response – he tried again.  Still nothing.  Slowly, cautiously, he unlocked it, then opened it, wincing at the loud creak.  He poked his head in, finding…nothing.  The room was empty.

 

A hand came from behind him, shoving him bodily the entire way in.  “Gog, John, just go in!  He’s not going to bite your nose off!”

 

 “I know…heh heh…”  He wasn’t so sure about that.  Those teeth looked sharp.  “But he’s not here anyway, so we can watch the movie!”  He sat on the bed and pulled out his desk chair, expecting Vriska to take it.

 

Instead, she hopped up onto the bed next to him.  He reached forward to place the disk in the tray, and when he sat back, she leaned in against him, resting her head against his shoulder.   His face grew warm and he tried to remind himself that it was their standard movie-watching position.  Nothing out of the ordinary going on here.

 

He turned to the screen, allowing himself to be absorbed in the epic tale of devotion, betrayal, and intrigue unfolding in front of him.  He marveled to himself at Nic Cage’s versatility as an actor.  Was there any role this man couldn’t play?

 

As Nic Cage marched in a bear costume, Vriska shifted, pressing harder against him.  He grew uncomfortably aware of her weight against him, her body against his.  He glanced down, and was greeted by eight pupils staring intensely back up at him.

 

He forced his gaze back at the scene.  “This is the best part!  Nic Cage totally…”

 

 Nic Cage, dressed as a bear, ran from the parade as a horn sounded.  

 

“Joooooooohn…”  He felt a hand against his cheek, four slightly callused grey fingers gently, but firmly, directing his gaze back downwards. 

 

 “What’s wrong, sister?”

 

Eight gleaming black pupils, surrounded by blue in a field of gold, advanced toward him.

 

Nic’s fist connected with Sister Honey’s face.

 

Shining white fangs contrasting with soft blue lips brushed gently against pink.  There was a quiet clack as their glasses connected.

 

John pulled back, staring down at Vriska.  His face grew hot, and he knew that he was blushing.  He blindly groped for the pause button, his eyes never leaving her face, and was only able to tell when he hit his mark by the TV falling silent.

 

She kissed him again, harder this time.

 

And he kissed her back.

 

His second kiss.

 

When they broke apart, he stood up and stumbled toward the door.  Was this what being drunk felt like?  Despite the chill, he felt warm all over, heat radiating from the inside out.  Nothing around him made sense, and he couldn’t seem to tell which direction was which.  Even the familiar faces of his favorite actors on his movie posters seemed strange.

 

He hastily scribbled a red star on the white board and pulled the door back shut, locking it behind him before stumbling back to the bed where Vriska sat, waiting.

 

Waiting for him.

 

Her glasses were now on his bedside table.  His soon joined them. 

 

She took hold of his shirt, pulling him towards her.  She wasn’t giving him time to speak, to make it awkward with his doofiness and inexperience.  She didn’t want conversation anymore, just touch.   She yanked his upper body downwards, his face toward hers, but he didn’t try to fight it.

 

His third kiss.

 

It was a serious kiss, long and deep.  It was the kind of kiss that involved their whole bodies, not just their lips.  Vriska’s hands slid against his back, reaching under the hem of his hoodie, skin seeking skin.  It didn’t take long for them to find their mark, slowly climbing upward.

 

As if they had a mind of their own, John’s hands did the same, without his consent.  He decided to let them do as they pleased.  They seemed to have a better idea of what was going on, and what to do in this situation.  One came to rest in the small of her back, bringing her closer, while the other continued its ascent.

 

After an eternity (or was it an instant?) they separated.  They were both panting.  They stared at each other, blue eyes meeting blue.   Without saying a word, without her eyes leaving his, Vriska began to pull the bottom of her shirt upwards.   John saw a toned grey belly, the bottom of her ribcage…

 

He decided to take back control of his body.

 

He reached out, gently pushing her hands and her shirt back down.  As his brain began to regain control of his hormones and instincts, he could feel the blush returning.

 

“That’s okay, Vriska.  You don’t have to do that.”  His voice came out unexpectedly husky.

 

“John, I…”  A blue tint stained her cheeks.

 

“No, really, it’s okay!  I’m really glad this happened and everything and I guess it would be okay if it happened again…I mean, I’d like it if it happened again, it’s just…  It’s not that I came to you expecting it or anything…”  His thoughts were getting all tangled up again.  “Just…we don’t have to rush things, okay?”

 

She stared downward, silent for a while.  When she looked back up at him, he could see blue tears gathered in the corners of her eyes.  She put on a slightly forced smile, and flicked her hair back.  “Of course, John!  I don’t want to scare you away by moving too fast.”  She pinched his cheek.  “Such a sweet little virgin.”

 

He chuckled and, feeling a little bold, kissed her one more time, sweetly.  He reclined so that he lay on his side and patted the bed in front of him, signaling for her to join him.  “Well, now that that’s settled, let’s continue our movie night!”

 

She laid down on her side in front of him so that her head rested on his arm.  He rewound the movie for a couple minutes: “But seriously, this is the best scene in the whole movie!  You can’t miss it!”  He draped an arm across her, and she snuggled against him, letting his red-blooded body warm hers.  Though she had done many different things with many different men in the past, she couldn’t recall ever feeling so intimate.


	4. Bedquest




Kanaya and Karkat strode down the hall, a determined glint showing in both their eyes.   When Karkat came to her room, he had worked himself up so much he could barely speak.  After she calmed him down to the point of coherence, they discussed the situation in great detail: John’s naïveté, Vriska’s manipulative nature, how she was clearly taking advantage of him and deliberately corrupting him.  They resolved to divide and conquer: Karkat would try to keep his temper in check and talk to John again, and Kanaya would speak with Vriska.  With their persuasive powers combined, perhaps they could avert disaster.  


What was that crowd doing in front of his door?

The whole floor was gathered there.  They were speaking in hushed, yet urgent tones, but fell silent as Karkat approached.

“Looks like I win,” Dave said.  “Pay up, cuz.”  Rose grumbled as she dug through her pockets for loose change.

“WHAT IN THE EVERLOVING FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?  WHY ARE YOU ALL STANDING IN FRONT OF MY ROOM LIKE A BUNCH OF BRAINDEAD CULTISTS STANDING VIGIL OVER A USELESS SCRAP OF CLOTH?”

“Uhhhh well, you see, I kind of noticed the star on your whiteboard, and I, uh…”

“WHAT STAR?” Karkat’s eyes bulged out of his head and Tavros fell into an intimidated silence.  He started to shake as he noticed the poorly-drawn star.

“Anyway,” Rose jumped in, rescuing Tavros, “There was considerable debate about what the star indicated, and Dave decided to start a betting pool over the two options: John and Vriska, or you and Terezi finally going public.”

“THERE’S NOTHING BETWEEN TEREZI AND I, AND EVEN IF THERE WERE…”

He was interrupted by a collective snigger.  It was too much.  He let out a long, wordless cry of rage and agony, and disappeared into the stairwell.

The others turned as one to look at the door, expecting one of them to poke a head out to see what was happening.  But there was nothing.

“Damn, they must be going at it like fucking rabbits if that didn’t even distract them,” Dave commented.

Kanaya buried her face in her hands with a horrified gasp.  Jade placed what she hoped would be a comforting hand on her shoulder, but Kanaya just turned and ran into their room, slamming the door behind her.

“Well, I guess that settles it,” Dave said, collecting money from some and distributing it to others.

 

 

It was cold on the roof, and Karkat was glad of it.  The cold sharpened his anger, purging him of everything but pure, glaring hatred.  Hate for Vriska, hate for John, hate for himself for letting it happen, hate for everyone else for not doing enough to prevent it.  He stood basking in his loathing, relishing the solitude.

“Hey, wwhat’s up Kar?”

Oh god, that pretentious accent was unmistakable.  What did this insufferable asshole want?

“YOU BETTER HAVE A FUCKING GOOD REASON FOR INTERRUPTING ME, ERIDAN.  I’M A BOTTLE OF WHITE HOT RAGE SODA, AND EVERY USELESS WORD YOU SAY TO ME MEANS I GET SHAKEN UP EVEN MORE UNTIL I EXPLODE AND MELT YOUR STUPID, WHINING FACE OFF.”

Eridan hesitated, but forged on.  “Anywway, I knoww you wwon’t havve a place to sleep tonight, so I thought maybe wwe could go back to my place and talk about howw much wwe hate Vvriska…”

“OH MY GOD ARE YOU SERIOUSLY HITTING ON ME RIGHT NOW?”

“That’s not wwhat I meant, man, but if you’re up for it…”

“I HATE YOU SO MUCH YOU WOULDN’T EVEN BELIEVE.”

“Wwoww, this is all so sudden, givve me some time to think about it.  I’ll go get my Mercedes and wwe can...”

Once again, Karkat howled his anger at the world.  Several windows in the nearby residence hall lit up, their groggy inhabitants peering out in confusion.

He ran down the stairs.  It was late and the floor was quiet now.  Most of the residents had retired to their respective rooms, but that infernal star remained etched on his whiteboard.

He trotted to Terezi’s room and, glancing around quickly to make sure nobody could see him, turned the knob.

Or tried to, at least.  It was locked.

“Terezi,” he whispered, tapping the door with his knuckles.  There was no response.  He tried again, a bit louder this time, but she still did not come to the door.

“TEREZI,” he shouted, pounding on the door, “OPEN THE FUCK UP.”

A door creaked open, but not the only one.  Aradia and Feferi’s sleepy faces, each surrounded by a large puff of black hair, peered out of the room next door.  Karkat shrank back, embarrassed to be caught.

“Karkat, will you _please_ shut the fuck up?”  Aradia’s tone was distinctly cross.

He nodded meekly.  He kind of wanted die of humiliation and cursed himself silently.

He crept to the common room, trying to avoid being seen.  He peeked in.  Looked like the coast was clear…

“Uhhh, hi Karkat!”

He jumped and looked about.  Tavros grinned sheepishly at him from a corner of the room – rather, as close to the corner as comically large horns would allow.  He was on the floor, his legs crossed.  “Looking for uhhh, a place to sleep?”

 As far as common room companions went, Tavros wasn’t so bad, he supposed.   “DAVE GOT YOU LOCKED OUT AGAIN?”

“Heh heh, yeah, but it’s okay.  I mean, uh, now you’re here and Gamzee comes by sometimes and raps with me…”

“IF THAT HAPPENS, I’M KICKING YOU BOTH OUT AND SLEEPING HERE BY MYSELF.”

“Ohh, I don’t think you have to, uh, worry about that tonight, Gamzee just made, uhhh, a batch of slime pies and went back into his, uhh, room.”

Karkat shuddered, thinking of the honking that kept him up night after night.  As if his insomnia wasn’t bad enough as it was.  “SO DAVE KICKED YOU OUT AGAIN?  DO YOU WANT ME TO TELL THAT INSUFFERABLE PRICK TO LET HIS ROOMMATE ACTUALLY LIVE IN HIS ROOM?”  He took a seat on the floor as well.

“No, no, it’s uhhh, it’s fine.  We’re bros so I, uh, don’t really mind.  And I know that he’d, uh, do the same for me!  I think…”

Karkat decided not to say anything about the likelihood of Tavros ever needing Dave to clear out of the room.  He was pathetic enough already, no use rubbing salt in the wound.

Tavros produced a pack of cards and began to absentmindedly shuffle them.  “Anyway, uhhh, sometimes Dave is cool and gives me some, uh, warning so I can get a pillow and a, um, floor-based repose sack.  I can’t sleep on the couch because, uhhh, my horns don’t really fit…”  He frowned sadly.

“JEGUS, THIS IS POSSIBLY THE MOST PATHETIC THING I’VE HEAR ALL DAY, AND IT HAS BEEN AN INCREDIBLY LONG, PATHETIC, DAY.”

Tavros didn’t reply.  For a moment they sat together, silent in the dim light of the common room.  The only sounds were the buzz of the fluorescent lights and the hum of the refrigerator.  Karkat wanted to scream, if only to break the quiet.  He had nothing to say.

“Oh, uh, I know.”  A look of hope darted across Tavros’s face and filled Karkat with a creeping sense of dread.  “You’ll probably end up in here a lot because, of, uh, John and Vriska, right?  So, uhh, do you think maybe you’d like to, uhhh, play Pokemon with me some nights?  I can, uhhhh, teach you if you, um, like…”

Karkat stood quickly and bit his fist to keep from screaming once again, so hard his teeth broke the skin and his mouth filled with blood.  Without saying another word, he walked out of the common room and down the stairs.

 

 

There was only one spot left open on campus at this hour: The Midnight Brew.  Karkat despised the idea of going there when probably everyone else was asleep, since Spades and the gang were guaranteed to be there.  But unless he wanted to spend the night outside, it was the only option left.  With a defeated sigh, he trudged toward the Commons.

True to his expectations, there was nobody in there except the four who ran it.  The larger three were glaring at each other wordlessly; Clubs Deuce ran excitedly up to Karkat and eagerly asked for his order.

Karkat didn’t reply – he was too busy sweating as the other three rotated slowly, their expressions unchanging, to stare at him.  Cautiously he walked to a chair and settled himself in.  Their faces never moved but their eyes never left him.

Slick walked over, carrying a steaming mug, and set it down in front of Karkat.  He sat in the chair across from him.  Karkat’s eyes went from Slick to the drink and back again.

“Don’t worry, kid, it’s not poison or anything.  Drink up.”

Karkat lifted the mug to his lips.  The dark liquid sloshed into his mouth, burning his tongue.  It was regular drip coffee.

“That’ll be three bucks.”

Karkat snarled at the trick, but reached into his pockets and pulled out a wad of cash.  He separated three bills and slapped them on the table, then leaned back and sipped his coffee irritably.  This night just kept getting better and better.

Slick seemed to sense his irritation, and perhaps a kindred spirit.  He pulled out a pack of cigarettes and offered one to Karkat.  “Here you go, kid.  This’ll calm you down.”

Although Karkat had never smoked before, the idea of something to soothe his totally blasted nerves was too tempting to refuse.  He accepted the cigarette and the light that came with it, and stuck the small paper stick in his mouth.  He was done giving any fucks.

  






	5. Oh my, what scandal!

It was in the grey morning light that Karkat walked back to the hall.  He’d spent the whole night drinking coffee, staring uncomfortably at Slick across the table from him.  When other students started filtering in, he had left, making a quick stop at the campus corner shop.

He reached into his pocket, fingering the cellophane-wrapped cardboard box.  Terezi would find it in his pocket and kill him, possibly literally, but what the fuck ever.

In fact, why wait?  She would just smell it on him, even if he showered before she saw him.  He unwrapped the box and pulled out a white cylinder.  He placed it gingerly in his mouth and lit it, shielding the flame from the wind as he had seen Dave, Kanaya, and Eridan do hundreds of times.  He inhaled deeply.

That started a hacking coughing fit, but once it subsided, he persisted.

After all, he gave no fucks.

 

 

 

 It was the morning in the common room.  Kanaya, Rose, Jade, and Nepeta sipped coffee and chit-chatted, as was their morning custom.   They ignored Tavros, who was still passed out on the floor, as was also their custom.   There was an unspoken agreement not to discuss the events of last night (unspoken except when Rose had to warn Nepeta against bringing it up).

“Morning girls,” purred a voice from the doorway.

Vriska stood in the doorway, a satisfied smirk on her face.  She was barefoot and wore one of John’s hoodies, which fell midway on her thighs.  She sighed and stretched, making it quite clear that she wasn’t wearing any pants underneath.  Rose thought Kanaya’s eyes would pop out of their sockets.

“Last night certainly was…interesting, wasn’t it?”  She walked into the kitchen area, subtly kicking Tavros as she passed him.  “I mean, it was for me at least.  And John.  I don’t know about anyone else.”  She poured herself a cup of coffee without asking permission and sighed.  “He seems so naïve and boyish, but it turns out once you get him in the sack…”  She trailed off, enjoying the shocked and slightly nauseated expressions on the others’ faces.

 “Vriska!”

“Hiiiiiiii Joooooooohn.”  She sashayed up to him, kissed him on the cheek, and cast a smirk over her shoulder.

“What are you telling them?  And what are you wearing?”  He was bemused rather than angry.

“What, you don’t like it?  Fiiiiiiiiine, I’ll go change.”  She grabbed his butt as she walked off and giggled when he jumped.  He couldn’t resist watching as she walked back toward her room, a goofy grin plastered across his face.

He was interrupted when Rose grabbed his ear and pulled his head down to stare him in the eyes.  “John, what did you do last night?  She was saying some awfully personal things.”

“What was she saying?”  Rose whispered in his ear, not wanting to repeat it out loud.  “Oh!  No no no, that’s not what happened at all.  We just watched movies and…well…”  His voice dropped to a whisper.  “We also kissed some.”

She rolled her eyes and pushed his face away.  “Oh my, what scandal!  Locking your door all night for kissing.  Just don’t let Karkat know, because if he finds out, he’ll…”

“HE’LL WHAT?”  Karkat glowered from the doorway, positively radiating fury.  “WHAT WILL HE DO WHEN HE FINDS OUT HE SPENT THE WHOLE FUCKING NIGHT IN THE WORLD’S MOST AWKWARD EMPTY COFFEE SHOP BEING STARED DOWN BY THREE PSYCHOPATHS AND ONE GRINNING IDIOT, WHILE HIS ROOMMATE PLAYED SNUGGLEBUDDIES WITH THE WORLD’S BIGGEST BITCH?”

“Oh, uh, good morning Karkat!  Sounds like you had an interesting evening too!”

Karkat had no comeback for this.  He was too tired, too stressed, and too nauseous from the cigarettes.  He just made an incoherent noise and went into their bedroom to pass out. 


End file.
